Hello leaders. In this episode I am going to give you five keys for connecting without using words. They say that only 20 percent of what people hear actually comes from words, 80 percent of what they hear is what they observe or what they see through nonverbal communication.
It is absolutely essential that you know how to communicate and connect with others without your words or to go beyond your words to make sure that your message is getting through. Before I get into these tips I want to remind you to subscribe or follow if you do not already do so. We produce this content every week and we do not want you to miss a single episode. Share it with somebody who you think will enjoy it and get the most out of what we are producing.
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Five keys to connecting without words.
I wonder if you have ever heard the expression “Actions speak louder than words?” The brain is wired primarily for sight and the main way we collect data is through our eyes. So it is reasonable to think that when we communicate with other people, a lot of what we understand about what they are saying and what we understand about them as people, comes through what we observe, not by what we hear.
Animals, like dogs for example, have very keen hearing but human beings do not have great hearing. We have great eyesight, so that is where the bulk of your communication needs to be focused. So how do you communicate without using your words ?
1. Eliminate distractions
We need to eliminate distractions. We live in a world that is so distracted, more distracted than we have ever been in history. You do not have to go very far to see people with their phones out and staring at it. I was in a restaurant the other day with my family and it was kind of amusing because I looked at my own table and all my kids were on their phone, I looked at the next table and everyone was on a phone, I looked at the next table and everybody was on a phone. It seems like everywhere you go now, people are walking with their head down staring at their phones.
It is really easy to be distracted when you are in a conversation or you are trying to connect with somebody, if you pay too much attention to your phone. If your phone dings or a message comes through while you are talking to somebody, do not answer it, do not pick it up, do not even flip it over to see who it is, because if connecting is really important to you, then what you will find is, that every time you get distracted or lose attention you are actually losing the person that you are trying to connect with. You need to eliminate distractions if you are trying to have a meeting. Try to meet in an environment where there are less distractions.
If you go to a sports bar and there are TVs everywhere and noise everywhere, that is not a great place to meet someone who you are trying to connect with. However, if you go to a quiet cafe where there are less distractions then you will find that you can actually communicate more effectively. So be aware of distractions. Eliminate them as much as possible when you are trying to build relationships and connect with people.
2. Maintain eye contact
The second thing is this – it is connected to the first one. You need to maintain eye contact. I do not know if you have ever talked with somebody who tends to look around the room. They look everywhere except the person they are talking to. It can be really off-putting and it certainly breaks connection if you are trying to build rapport and trust with another person. Just be really mindful when you are talking to somebody that you maintain eye contact with them.
Sometimes this can be a little bit strange, just staring at them directly in the eyeball, so I usually just stare at a spot just in between their eyes and that makes it look like you are looking at them. You are getting that connection but what you do not want to be doing is just looking around the room, looking at the TV or looking at somebody who just walked past.
You have got to really try to maintain that connection but maintaining your focus can be hard in a crowded room if you are in a networking event or you see somebody walk in that you know. If you can maintain that focus, that will really help you to establish a connection with a person because he/she will notice that you are completely focused on them and will appreciate you for that. So, eliminate distractions and maintain eye contact.
3. Be expressive
The third tip is this; you need to learn to be expressive. When you are communicating, use your full range of facial expressions. Do not have a deadpan face. You have probably heard of the expression “resting you know what face.” In other words, you know that face you have when you are really deep in thought? You do not want to have a stern face all the time. Maybe you have a face that looks a little bit like a deer in the headlights. Whatever it might be, just try to use your eyes, mouth and your smile to express what you are saying.
You can also use your hands. It just helps to emphasize or helps to bring the person into what you are saying. Just a little tip about using hands. Do not wave them around too much in front of you because that can be off-putting as it gets into the other person’s personal space. When speaking to someone, I keep my hands fairly close to me when I am using gestures, rather than reaching out in front of me because that can become a barrier. So be expressive, use your facial expressions, smile, use your eyes, use your eyebrows, use your hands and you will find that helps you to communicate, build rapport and connection with another person.
4. Observe the person you are talking to
The fourth thing is this, you need to observe the person who you are facing. Take notice of their body language. Be observant about how they are standing. If they are sitting then you sit, if they stand then you also stand. Do not try to have a conversation with somebody who is in a different position to you.
It is very hard to have a conversation with somebody if you are sitting down and they are standing up or vice versa. You need to try and mirror the other person, if they lean in you lean in, if they lean back a bit relaxed then you lean back a little bit relaxed. So try to mirror them but do not make it too obvious. You do not want to mirror them the minute they change their hand movement because that is just going to look silly, but just very subtly be observant of your counterpart and try to mirror what they are doing.
What happens when you do this is, their brain says,”This person is like me I can trust them”. This is what your brain is really doing all the time when you meet a new person. It is looking for points of connection and gauges whether you can trust him/her. So if you are being observant about the way that they are holding their body posture, the way that they are talking, for example, their tone of voice, you try to mirror very subtly what they are doing. What you will find is that this will build connection and rapport with the other person very well.
5. Watch your own body language
The fifth tip really is tied to the fourth. You need to also watch your own body language. Make sure you are not giving off body language that is creating a barrier towards the other person or seems overly aggressive; for example, crossing your hands while you are talking to somebody. Do not do this, unless you can read the situation really well and the other person is crossing their hands and you can tell that they are very relaxed. Otherwise, you do not want to cross your hands because crossing hands creates the impression that you do not want to talk to the other person and they can perceive this as an aggressive stance.
Also, be mindful of your height. If you are taller than other people, try to bring your height down so that they do not feel like you are standing over them. One of the things I do is, I spread my stance a little bit wider so that it brings my height down so that if I am talking to somebody who is shorter than I, I am not looking down on them or intimidating them. Try not to get into people’s personal space unnecessarily. Keep a safe distance, however, you do not want to be so far away that you are aloof but at the same time you do not want to be so close that it feels awkward or weird.
Be mindful of your hands, I mentioned them before. You do not want to have fists clenched or point too much because that can be perceived as aggressive traits that may be off-putting. So just be mindful of your own body language and how you’re carrying yourself so that you don’t inadvertently communicate a sense of hostility or a sense of a barrier or blockage between you and the other person.
So these are the five things that I think you need to learn to do or be aware of when you are trying to connect with people without words. They are very important if you want to get through to people with more than just words and you want them to know, like and trust you. So learn to communicate non-verbally.
Just to a recap:
- Eliminate distractions – Put your phone away, do not get distracted by what is around you, pick a quiet environment to meet with people.
- Maintain eye contact – Make sure you do not let your eyes wander and just look at the person that you are talking to.
- Be expressive – Use your smile, use your eyes, use your hands and be expressive
- Be observant of the person you are speaking to. Look at their body language, look at their posture and try to very subtly mimic or mirror their posture so that they feel comfortable with you and they feel like you are on their wavelength.
- Watch your body language. Do not use body language that is overly aggressive, confrontational or creates a barrier between you and the other person.
If you can follow these five tips and practice them, you are going to be well on your way to connecting with others and having them know, like and trust you. Focus, observation and body language can go far beyond what you can accomplish just with your words because as we all know, “Actions speak louder than words.”
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