Category: Leadership

I once read a story of a mexican zoo keeper who was cleaning out the elephant enclosure and made a fatal mistake of turning his back on the elephant. The zookeeper was just going about his job, doing what he always did, but suddenly found himself pinned by the elephant against the wall unable to escape.  The elephant wasn’t angry or looking to hurt the zoo keeper, but just backed up in his pen. Because the zoo keeper forgot to face the elephant as he worked it ended up crushing him.

A bit gruesome I know, but I think it illustrates how life can sometimes. Life is messy, in life we experience pain, we cause pain and sometimes we have to deal with other people’s pain even when we don’t want to.

Pain, especially unresolved pain can become like the “Elephant in the Room.” you might try to ignore it, pretend its not there but it rubs up and bumps up against everything. It affects the way we talk to our kids, it taints the way we speak to our spouses and we even filter life experiences through pain. Often we find ourselves reacting to insignificant incidents with great emotional outbursts or overreactions because of the pain we filter our life experiences through. It shows up at special occasions and family get togethers and no matter how much we try to ignore it, it’s always there.

Pain is like an elephant in the room. It can crush you, trample you or become your greatest strength.

What can often make it worse is, resolving the situation may be beyond our control. Maybe the person that we have hurt or who hurt us, is now gone, and we’re left carrying the memory of the wound? Or perhaps you’ve tried to reconcile the situation but the other person in not interested in doing so. What do you do then? How do you learn to manage that sort of pain so that it doesn’t have such a huge impact on you?

4 things that I have found to help in these sort of situations are:

1. Name it

Admit the the pain you feel. Acknowledge that you might need some help. Ignoring pain or pretending it doesn’t exist is never a long term solution. Sooner or later the elephant will back up and overwhelm you.

2. Seek Wise Council

Be mindful about who you share you situation with and seek help. Friends are great but they are not always good at showing us our realities or giving us practical steps to move forward. Facebook is definitely not the place to seek help… just saying. A pastor, community leader or good counselor can always be a good place to start depending on the situation. Just speak with someone who is equipped to help you through your pain, not just listen to you complain about it.

3. Invite God into the situation

I truly believe the God is interested in seeing us find healing from our pain, but we can often be so busy trying to control our situation that we neglect to even acknowledge our need for God.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest…” (Matt 11:28) 

4. Small Steps

Healing from emotional pain doesn’t come overnight, it takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. Take small realistic steps towards changing your situation. You can only eat an elephant 1 bite at a time. Don’t expect change to happen overnight, it seldom does and you’ll only be disappointed if you expect it to.

Facing the elephant in the room is never easy, but when we do, the pain we’ve experienced can often become our greatest strength. There is much more I have said on this topic in my sermon “Facing the Elephant in the Room”, that you can listen to here: http://thevinechurchlogan.podomatic.com/entry/2015-05-31T01_10_03-07_00

Let me know what you think. Is there anything you’ve done to face and heal from unresolved pain in your life? Feel free to tell me about it in the comments below.

Be brave and face your elephant, you’ll be glad you did.

If you would like to learn more about effectively growing in your leadership, why not check out our FREE Goal setting guide. See below for details.

https://leadcommunicategrow.com/free-goal-setting-guide/

5 Steps to Set Goals that Work

Is there an area of your life that you would like to be greater in? A greater parent, greater spouse, greater colleague or even a greater boss? I am discovering that there is one simple thing all great leaders do that can take you from good to great in any area of relationship that you find yourself in.

I have a great friend named Troy. He is a consultant and coach in the finance sector and in my opinion he is exceptional at what he does.

We live in different states so don’t get to see each other very often. Once in awhile when we catch up for a weekend and I always come away from our time together with a clearer understanding of where I am in my current challenges and where I need to go to move myself forward in my various roles and responsibilities. I guess that’s why he is a great coach. But there is almost always this moment when I drive him back to the airport that I wonder if I ever stopped talking about myself through the whole weekend. I have to deliberately recount my time with him and ask, “did I actually spend any time listening to Troy and asking where he is at or was the whole conversation just about me?”

It’s not that I go out of my way to be self-centered, I actually try to be very aware of  how much I listen when I am with others, but what I’ve started to realise is that the reason Troy is such a good coach and I always feel clearer for having talked to him, is not because of the advice he gives me or solutions he directs me towards, but it is because he is peerless in his ability to ask questions. Questions that delve beneath the superficial, questions that disarm and expose my motivations and weaknesses. Questions that get me talking and exploring myself and my circumstances in ways that I wouldn’t normally do on my own and I seldom do with others. There is no doubt that Troy is also an exceptional listener and that is probably why I find myself talking more than usual, but it is his questions that enable the conversation to flow in a way that is not usual in my many other interactions.

“Great leaders ask great questions” Andy Stanley

In a recent talk on his Leadership Podcast; Andy Stanley explored this topic suggesting that “great leaders ask great questions.” That great thing about questions says Stanley is that the right questions can expose motivation and intent, reinforce values, provide objectivity and inspiration and remove emotional immediacy from decision making.” For example, telling a child to clean their room can often be met with resistance, but asking “have you cleaned your room?”, not only emphasises your desire to have the room tidy, it also reinforces the value of cleanliness as important, without lecturing or putting the child on the defensive. The question also takes the emotion out of the discussion and allows the child to own their own choice in the required task. Questions like “Why haven’t you cleaned your room” or “didn’t I tell you to tidy your room?”, expose a desire on the parent’s part to be obeyed and listened to, but say little to nothing about the task itself. It opens the door to excuses and argument rather than achieving the desired result of getting the room tidy.

“Leading is not about being in charge, but is the ability to inspire others to be the best version of themselves.”

While it might be a simplistic example, this  kind of questioning can apply to all sorts of areas in our life in which we find ourselves leading and relating to others. I’m not just talking about positions of authority either, we all lead someone. To lead is not just about being in charge, but it is the ability to inspire and motivate another person to be the best version of themselves. This goes well beyond positions of authority. Parents you can lead your families, young people you can lead your peers, employees you can lead your employers. And one of the best ways we can do this is to first learn the art of effective questioning and then lead ourselves.

What do I mean be lead ourselves? Stanley suggests an excellent starting point is ask yourself, “What would a great leader do?” You can even go further to personalise it and ask “What would a great _______ do?” What would a great husband do, what would a great father do what would a great friend do? While most of us, if we’re honest with ourselves, wouldn’t consider ourselves the “greatest” in whatever position we find ourselves, we often have a fairly good idea of what “great” looks like in our space. By daring to ask ourselves that question, Stanley suggests, we expose our own motivations and assess them against what we think a great leader would do. Asking “am I taking a course that is the best for everyone involved or am I just responding from my own fears, insecurities, or emotion?” This question also places our own personal reactions to conflict in the right context. If I am inclined to avoid conflict, then this question pushes me towards confronting it. If I am inclined to fire up with conflict and get off on the power of it, these types of questions can help to bring temperance and level headedness to my decision making. If the only types of questions I ask myself during times of challenge or hardship are “why me…” or “why did they…” we only end up getting stuck in a never ending loop of self. By asking what a great leader would do, we refocus the challenge outside of ourself and our own self defeat.

Asking what a great anything would do also pushes me beyond my comfort zone. It gives me a glimpse of what could be possible, rather than limiting me to my fears or areas of reluctance. It exposes my weaknesses and challenges me to step into a realm of possibility that, I can lead better.

Another thought I would add to this is, ask yourself who your role models are. When you ask, what would a great leader, parent, whatever do, who do you think of? Who springs to mind as a great example of who to take your cues from?  Friends like Troy challenge me but also give me an example to shoot for. My faith is also a big factor and many of the characters in the bible (especially Jesus himself) provide great examples of what a great leader would do in a variety of situations.

I am a better leader, dad, husband, teacher and friend when I am brave enough to ask, what would a great _______ do? Troy is a fantastic coach, because he knows how to ask great questions. I am better for my time with him because he is teaching me to ask better questions of myself.

What questions are you asking of yourself. Are you asking questions that inspire you and the people around you to be the best of them/your-self or are you asking questions that come from a place of defeat, fear or insecurity? Tell me about the questions that you ask yourself to help you be a great, leader, parent, spouse or peer and also who your role models are…

If you want to unpack this more I encourage you to check out Andy Stanley’s leadership podcast. It is where I have gleaned my inspiration. Lead well, no matter where you find yourself!

If you would like to learn more about effectively growing in your leadership, why not check out our FREE Goal setting guide. See below for details.

https://leadcommunicategrow.com/free-goal-setting-guide/

5 Steps to Set Goals that Work